What a year it's been ! A weight loss journey

One year ago today - I found myself in tears, waiting for hospital staff to wheel me into surgery for gastric bypass. I was terrified, scared I wouldn't come out of it, terrified of potential complications - afraid that I'd have it and still fail. After all, I'd spent a lifetime on diets that never worked.
So much went through my mind that day.
And I'm so glad I went through with it. My life has changed in ways I couldn't have even anticipated.
I'm about to confess some things here, reveal some details that I'm embarrassed to put in print. But I'm going to, because if it helps motivate one person, it's worth it.
And because they're important to my story. They're part of who I was, and representative of how far I've come, and I'm damned proud of it.
The changes haven't happened as fast as I'd like. And even with weight loss surgery, every pound has been a struggle. But I'm proud of what has happened.
In one year, I have dropped 112 pounds, and about 14 inches in my waist, alone.
I have a couple friends who weigh less than 112 pounds, meaning I've lost the equivalent of a small woman.
And one year ago today I also quit smoking - for good.
I tried and tried before and couldn't. Oh, I'd quit for a few months, but start up again, but never for a year. Unexpectedly, surgery helped me do that, and I'm as proud of that as anything.
As for the weight loss, I dropped from a very tight size 30-32 sometimes to most of the time now in a size 18-20.
If you've never been severely overweight, you'll never understand this.
I wasn't even just severely overweight. I was morbidly obese and on a fast track to death. I was on a fast track to death.
I'm still considered obese, as I've still got a long ways to go.
But now I can bend over to tie my shoes.
My seat belt in the car has lots of slack now - no more being stretched taut across my body with no room to spare.
I can touch my toes without bending my knees! I discovered that in the gym one day when I needed to stretch after a particularly tough set of reps, and started crying right then and there, for joy!
I can get down on the floor and get back up again without having to crawl over to a sturdy piece of furniture for support as I hoist my mass up.
My belly once stuck out farther than my breasts. No more. Well, not when I have a bra on, anyway.
I discovered what it's like to have a bra that actually fits right.
A ring that once was tight on my pinkie now fits my thumb.
I can go into many stores and find clothes that fit - no longer relegated to shopping in one or two specialty stores where the prices are about three times what smaller women would have to pay for their clothes.
The arms on chairs no longer dig into my hips, because I fit into them now.
I'll never forget the day that after a gathering with friends, one of them said, "Don't take offense at this, but I was looking at you today and I noticed that you actually fit in the chair now."
That was shocking. But I immediately got the vision we've all seen of people sitting in a folding chair, their girth extending out way past the width of the seat.
I took no offense, instead finding it something to rejoice in!
I normally love to have my picture taken now.
I can go to the gym and work out with weights for an hour and still have the energy to do 30 minutes of cardio.
I go somewhere with friends, and I have to go to the bathroom and walk through the restaurant and see people looking at me and no longer think they're looking at me cause I'm so fat, and wanting to say, "What do you think you're staring at? Never seen a fat woman before?"
Now I think, "That's right, look at me!"
It's not because I'm gorgeous, because I'm not. I'm not thin, by any means. I have so far to go. But I feel good about myself now and I think it shows.
I've noticed I've developed an affinity for bracelets and rings and big earrings - accessorizing like I never really did before. First of all, things fit now that didn't when I was 366 pounds. But i didn't want all that attention to me either, so I dressed down.
It's been tough. There's are still many times that after eating I don't feel well. My belly hurts, or I'm nauseous. And it's frustrating as hell when that happens after just a few bites.
You see, gastric bypass reduced the size of my stomach permanently.
And there are some kinds of foods now that I just can't eat. And often food will make me a bit nauseous.
Then there's the fact I'm a food addict. And there are emotional issues attached to food.
Last Thanksgiving was one heck of a realization for me.
I had cooked for two days, and had 18 people over to the house to share in the dinner.
I stood back and let everyone else go through the line, and realized that previously, I would have been at the front of that line, afraid that if I was at the end of the line that by the time I got to the front that all the good food would be gone. I don't know why I have that fear, or why it so affected me when that kind of thing happened. But I realized on Thanksgiving just how prevalent those issues had been in my past.
I had a fear of not having enough food.
I still have some of that to overcome. But on Thanksgiving I could stand back and let everyone else go first. I knew there would be enough for me, because I knew that I only needed a few bites to be satisfied.
But yeah, it was frustrating to want to eat some of everything that was there. It was frustrating to see all my friends eating huge platters of food, while I came out with a little salad plate, and couldn't eat half of what was there.
In fact, they laughed at me when they saw my plate.
But that's ok. I'm doing what I need to do for me.
Still, I'm a food addict. Sometimes I may not eat much at any given meal, but I graze or snack too much and hate myself for doing it and then, being frustrated with myself, eat even more.
But now i know what I'm doing and i try to stop.
I take it one day at a time, and keep plugging along.
I've still got about 80 pounds to lose, and lots of hard work to get there.
Every pound has been a struggle. It requires getting moving, getting to the gym, getting out and washing the car, anything physical, and being conscious of what I eat.
And still some days, no matter how hard I try, it seems that scale doesn't move.
But my goal isn't about any number on a scale. And I don't care if I'm ever thin or not.
Ok, ok. Truth is I really, really want to get somewhere under 200 pounds and stay there. For someone who can't remember ever being under 200 pounds from the time I was a pre-teen, that would be one heck of an accomplishment.
Shoot, I don't have any idea what my ideal weight should be, because I've never been at my ideal weight - ever. I haven't even come close.
But my ultimate goal is to get off the insulin.
I'm completely off one type of insulin, and take less than a third of the other type. That's amazing progress. And I'm needing less and less the more I lose and the more I work out.
My blood sugars are almost always where I want them to be.
Two years ago, I was shoving anything and everything, including high-sugar foods, into my mouth, and then trying to compensate with insulin, but never testing to know where my blood sugars were. It was a game of Russian Roulette, and i was killing myself.
About two and a half years ago I had some pre-op blood work, in preparation for surgery for carpal tunnel and a pinched ulnar nerve. The hospital called and they were threatening to cancel my surgery because my blood sugar level was nearly 500 - astronomically high.
I got it down within a week to an acceptable level, and was able to have the surgery. But it was a wake-up call.
Still, it was a constant struggle. Being as massive as I was, I required massive doses of insulin.
A year ago i feared I was going to lose a leg to poor circulation. My feet and legs were so swollen I could hardly find shoes to fit - and even those hurt after a couple hours.
No more.
I still have wide feet, but now love to shoe shop.
Why the rambling? Why is this such a big deal to me?
Because all my life I've been obese. Even as a small child my family worried about how big i was.
My mother taught piano. At 12 years old we were having a recital, and I needed a dress for it. We had to get a size 16. At 12 years old, that's awful.
Over the course of my life, I just continued to gain weight.
About the time my mom died when I was 15, I got back to a size 16. But I haven't seen it since.
Right now, at 254 pounds, I am smaller than I was at 17 years old. (God, i hate posting that number. It's embarrassing, but there it is. It's part of my self therapy to admit it.)
And at some point this year, I will be smaller than I was when I was 12 years old.
Lord, that's just hard to fathom, even now as I write it.
So, if anyone is reading this, and contemplating weight loss surgery, particularly RNY, or gastric bypass surgery, I hope this gives you some motivation and encouragement.
For me, it has been life-changing.
So, (lifting a glass) Happy Surgiversary to me. Here's to an amazing year, and to an even better year ahead !